I am wrong? I think I need HELP!
while the baby bug has bitten me, and I am completed infected with its venom, I’ve only been married for 3 months. I think it totally makes sense that we are choosing to wait a little bit and just be married for at least a year before we start even trying for a little one. there’s so much we want to do, with our home (which we have only been in a year) and our lives (travel more, a puppy?), and our careers (I have a horrid 150 mile a day commute and my husband just opened up his own law practice which is a mighty big venture for us), before we bring a baby into the world but I can’t help but have this constant beating inside me that’s saying “its now or never…now or never…”
I mean I haven’t even developed our honey pictures, or legally changed my name yet. is this a normal feeling at 29? my doctor says I have nothing to worry about so far as they can tell but is there much they can tell now before we even start trying to conceive?
I know they say you are never really ready to have a baby and I can totally understand that. And if I unexpectedly got pregnant, we would be filled with joy and do what we had to change our lives and make it work in the best way possibly for this fictional baby, but I know now is not the right time because we shouldn’t have to rush into it. we take out time with things, we waited to get engaged and waited to buy a house and waited to get married and I really believe it all worked out for us. I thank God eveyday for letting so much wonderfulness into our lives, I am so amazed by it all. so why do I feel like I have to do this right now?
I am 29 and healthy, I think I should have a fair shot in the next few years. but I can literally do nothing but think about a fictional baby. I find myself dreaming up what the spare bedroom would look like as a nursery…. as I drift of to sleep, my mind is literally rearranging furniture. I can barely bring myself to discuss this with my husband (though it has been discussed), let alone friends for family. I think if I had a sister I could talk to her about it and she would really understand, but I don’t have a sister or even a brother, so who knows what she would think, she might tell me to shut up and stop whining and just enjoy my life, and maybe that’s just what I need.
my best friend is pregnant now, her and her husband were our best man and maid of honor at the wedding and they literally conceived on our around our wedding night. while I am so super excited about it, its difficult for me to deal with this. and its probably not what you think. its not that I am so much jealous that she is pregnant, its more that I feel like I am literally in mourning over loosing a friend. for years of our friendship and years of my courtship with my husband I lived 75 miles away from the both of them and our other friends. In those years I missed a lot, and I thought I would get to be more a part of things after I moved to the area and I only moved to the area less the a year ago (after we bought the house) and I still haven’t found work in the area yet.
I don’t expect her to stop her plans for me but I did think we would enjoy at least a heart beat together living close to each other and just being friends and such. I mean we still have that but I have already felt her distance herself from me and whether intentional or not after the baby comes I know I will see her less and less. I feel so guilty for all of these feelings I just don’t know what to do. hanging out with a lovely childless couple this weekend did help me calm down a bit, but does anyone have any advice for me? I just don’t know what to do. oh and the thought of leaving work and starting a new job, either in my field or starting a whole new career has got me to tears nearly every single day!
the other thing I think that I feel pressure from is that my husband was adopted as a baby and I really want to be able to give him his own flesh and blood, he deserves that more then anyone I know. is that wrong or too intense? he would have no problem adopting a baby and neither would I ( if I could get over wanting to give him a piece of family that shares his blood). and maybe someday we will adopt but I would like to try for our own just to give him more of himself in a way he has never known.
I am pretty tough but this has got me all in a state of emotional craziness and I just don’t know what to do. I think I feel better now that I wrote this, so thank you internet.
is there like a self help book (preferably on audio because I am in the car for a solid 3 hours - 5 days a week) that anyone can recommend?
love and gratitude,
m
